The Motherhood Decision

Once upon a time, the hit HBO series “Sex and the City” was about four smart women in their early 30s who wanted to have fun and indulge their sexual appetites. These days, as the characters slide toward 40, each is coming to terms in her own way with the consequences of having put off motherhood.
- Should she have a baby?
- Now that she has a baby, is she a good mother?
- She definitely doesn’t want a baby.
- She’s anxiously trying to have a baby--can she even have a baby?

These dilemmas are being faced by millions of women who have delayed motherhood in favor of careers and lifestyles far more liberated than those of their mothers. Now, as the biological clock continues to tick, time runs short for making a choice that will forever affect their lives. As women age, that internal dialog grows ever louder and more insistent, says Dr. Diana Dell, a reproductive psychiatrist at Duke University Medical Center.

She adds, “Women didn’t used to have much of a choice about whether or not to become mothers, and now they perceive that they do, and they want to make the right choice.”

That struggle has spawned an entire self-help category for women, visible in Web sites, books, and advocacy groups.

In addition to the fact that more women are having babies later in their lives, a growing number of women are choosing not to have children at all. The decision process and its aftermath can be a source of significant distress, says Dell: “As women feel their options narrowing, and contemplate roads not taken, there is often a deep unhappiness, a sense of loss.”

Dell, who chose not to have children, writes in “Do I Want to Be a Mom?” that her career has always been her most cherished endeavor. While she is, in her own words, a nurturing person who loves puppies and children, she says she has never regretted her choice to not have children.

As she put it,“As long as we have a sense of personal choice, we’re OK.”