4 years of motherhood

In 2 months time, my first child will be 4 years old, while my second child will be into his 21st month of life. But I still could NOT say I enjoy motherhood. I really don't. But being in the motherhood trap also means that I could not and will not ever wish that they just disappear from my life because if that really happens, I'm afraid that i would either go out of mind or out of life. I just don't understand how people can go through life with so much chaos that children bring. Why can't I be a better mother?